TO THINE OWN SELF BE RULING.

sleeping ruling drooling canoodling whatnot

howtorule — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 02:25:56 +0000

if i were to go back in time and tell a young me what to rule like, i might say somethings like these:

excuse me miss thang, you’re pretty rad but um, hey!

firstly, hold onto your hat and don’t freakin’ act like you’ll always have it this good. sometimes jobs suck even more than the last one! (NOOOO! YOU DON’T SAY?!!?!?)

secondly, get a second opinion on that whole lasik surgery thing. some doctors don’t know how to love.

thirdly, you shouldn’t be so hasty with your decides. be cool, young cupcake.

4th, if you’re not really sure how you feel about someone, don’t try to tell yourself that you do. think about it, shawty.

5. sleep is better than being awake to make mistakes, ruin your life, spend too much credit or money, or working.

i’m sure the back-in-time me would’ve said, CHUT UP! I RULE!

shrug.

i guess rulin’ IS easy (for me) – but for the record, pimpin’ still ain’t.

howtorule — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 23:59:58 +0000

so i was recently loling around my place when i decided – okay, i’ll take my faux X-MAS tree down whilst i also drink these light beers (okay okay..i also did some shots. what!?!?!? it was a long day in the call center. ahem.) – just so happens in the box in the closet i was going to stuff my faux tree limbs into – there laid my senior year scrapbook, in all its ruling glory! alas i thought, let me looky at how i ruled in 1999. as time would have it, it had its way with me in the very way you would expect. i have not changed one iota. i described myself as monumentally confused, cynical, risky, funny & hapless. i wrote that i wanted to have a jeep grand cherokee (i have one!) and to be an actress and writer. yep-er-doodle-ee-bob-n-fer-apples. i used to say things like…”you think you know…but you have diarrhea” to mock the slogan from the popular MTV show in the 90s, Diary. their slogan was “you think you know, but you have no idea.” i used to wear abercrombie & fitch’s “8″ perfume exclusively once i could afford to buy things at the (gasp! don’t even GO there, becky! mall – and now i always wear MAC’s “turquatic.” i’ve always been a person who tries to capture every moment for forever -click click goes the camera!!!

all of this sappy- teenage- omg what- i used to be —-so—- cool reminiscing-type feeling - it’s got to do with ruling! i love ruling. you should do the things you love. so i do.

we also do what we’re good at! so time to go eat some pizza….FATTY!

A po ehhm fore the nu yeer. :D

howtorule — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:32:49 +0000

A dream ain’t much til you know it’s
Worth much more than store bought goods
And ideas are just that! til you blow ‘em
Into the proportion that’ll embarass you
When you tell someone about ‘em you’re golden
Much like a shower in the
Evening sunset sun.

your snowman is a tranny

howtorule — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 21:47:29 +0000

it’s almost 2012. and i think it’s about that time. yes! the time to reflect and make lists. hopefully next year i will spend less time sitting down. cheers!

‘whoa, that’s so ruling!’ (newly discovered treasures of 2012)

Raising Hope
the Royal Palm hotel in Miami – beautiful and relaxing AND topless ladies what??? lol.
foster the people
doing stand-up open mic nights (couple with my ability to be even more shameless than ever before!)
the pretty clubs – and bathrooms! in the Las Vegas Wynn Hotel Casinos, XS and Tryst. (Tres bonne!)
the swings at Navy Pier in Chicago! weeee!
tampa bay underground comedy festival, our first year having one. Ruled.
some rad new friends! good ones at that.
unexpected encounters in unexpected places
fire engine cherry flame knock your socks off cover your teeth LIPSTICK! i’m a girl.

‘wow, that was…um, fun.’ (i’m glad that’s over moments of 2012)

getting fired from a sales job
that terrible black friday hangover i had
the tail light saga…lol.

please, answer the door

howtorule — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:27:20 +0000

ladies and non-ladies, sometimes we have talents that we weren’t aware existed! sometimes, we should probably know about these talents. but sometimes, it is absolutely essential, much like a bloody mary on a sunday (pickles, not olives…ew).

i recently had the pleasure of showcasing a talent i possess in nonruling(…yes it happens..) in an event none other than the ill-timed night im gonna go on about now. ta-dah!

please be amused at the results of my misguided attempts to show what could very well be genuine interest!

this kind of thing will happen from time to time. and it’s non-ruling.

in this case, i turned a night full of promise into a sorta “WTF” with a ruling person (who rules as much if not more than i do. wait, is that even possible????!?!?!), so you can imagine my non-surprise when it was revealed that i can unrule without fully realizing it.

y’know, this is lame, but!

i am still, unfortunately, human. ugh!
and not only that, but i do dum when i should do smart, because impatience is a virtue of the short-attention-span crowd. dude. i had more success when i was just a cartoon, this real person thing is HARD sometime! who made me into a live-action character? prease hewp meh.

anyway, yes, i’ll get to it. ahh…so, i could be all ”whatever!!!” and pretend that i don’t wanna get to the heart of the matter, but now that i’m 30, i admit things readily. i do. i will tell you, and anyone with a face, yes…yes, i do want to figure out why it seems as though i’ve slammed the locker door of sweetness on my own sappy finger. uh, bad metaphor.
it’s a semi-sorry state of affairs to be in, when your demeanor/actions don’t match your feelings/intentions. but if i look at a few different aspects of my life, past and present, this is a common denominator. i effing hate math!

first off, i am often and almost always late to everything. i never intend to be. something in me is making this happen, and i do not enjoy this fact.

second, i have been told on more than one occasion that they couldn’t tell how into something i was because i tend to be on an even keel of ruling no matter whats happening, unless im partying or performing.

lastly (i’m sure not REALLY lastly, since i’m a nutbag), i think i know where all this junk stems from. and i want to correct it. (nice stems, by the way..clueless 4eva)

to rule may mean i sometimes have the funniest jokes at the water cooler. well i need to also start being the most unafraid, like my ill-placed tattoo of a mermaid who looks afraid, says. and i really need to stop running my trap and distancing myself from things for no reason. this is just something i’ve observed.

another thing is, against my better intent, i am always freakin’ LATE to EVERYTHING! i mean, i’ve been, since a very early age, unable to depend on people and things to be consistent. so i think maybe this is the seed that was planted in me to not take things as seriously as i should when they are important.

and i theorize that the reason i occassionally may not emote as much as i should when it comes to matters of the <3, is perhaps because (and i hate to be one of these people with issues/baggage) i have been disappointed and hurt whether i should have known better or not, and i am very much now in the throes of passionately figuring out how not to add insult to injury. part of the problem is, what issss ittttt?

why did it start?

i tell you now!

this is the end!

it’s very curious that this incidence is affecting my ruling feeling this much. normally i say c’est la vie. but i don’t have too much experience with awesomes who rule on not ruling my ruling, even if its lack. especially since it’s all i can think about! wtf. lolz.

love,
ruling thoughtful on a saturday

the song that accompanies this post, and maybe my whole life, lol, is:

Fiona Apple, “A Mistake” *if you wanna make sense/whatcha lookin’ at me for?************

So Long, I Say

howtorule — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 04:14:10 +0000

I’m just not, nor have I ever been, a hater. I rule. being a hater would negate the ruling. mucho.

it’s never been a choice really, I just dislike conflict a lot, no matter who is really to blame. I’ve always been of the thinking that we should talk things out, fix the prob(s), & just, y’know, continue to chillax with the bro or bros in question even if they make you mad like hatter. even if they act dang fool. it’s just a freeing way to be, zen-like, even though we may often wonder if acting like it’s always all okay is the best use of our time and/or relationship juice. yes, relationship juice.

as someone who likes to make newyear’s resolutions (which means, I like to make appropriate changes..which technically really means I like THINKING about making appropriate changes), pondering extensively my life/person, and getting pretty drunk on most occassions – I have found that once I actually reach a point where something seems more ick than awesome, I tend to let go. JUST LIKE THAT.

this never happens until it’s just at the point of stupid. like, only an idiot would keep that up!!!
for instance – I always give people way too many chances to screw around with my well-meaning-just-shrug-cuz, hey-its-cool personality. but once it feels in my gut like a way overpriced fanny pack of a friendship or undertaking, I’m out like neil patrick harris.

and, it’s still true that I am not a hater. it’s just, I’m more focused on what really should have my attention, rather than giving everything and everyone who hasn’t actually held my head underwater,
the benefit of the doubt.

I’m glad we had that talk.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

(just kidding. cos I know, if you are reading this, you’d never drown someone who rules and tries to teach others to rule through a seldom-read but soon-to-be-famous blog. !?!?!?!?)

people who rule tend to watch more beetlejuice.

howtorule — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 21:53:52 +0000

i’d rather play footsie with you than touch tongues with someone else…- – - and other love stories

howtorule — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 06:22:34 +0000

of the many loves in your life, which ones truly stand out? for me, the answer is simple. my love of trivia-based games…of making collages that have no real theme and are kind of tacky…of peeing in the shower (just kidding?)…you have many loves in your life, but sometimes a nice, tender like in your life is nice. like is way underrated. love is like a fresh bee sting. it’s soooo there up in your life, throbbing, pulsating, making you think about it. til it’s gone! or til the ointment has been on it and soon there’s no passionate complaining about it..you get bored. then its like you never got stung.

this post is for all the people and things in my and your life that are truly liked by us. and it ain’t a facebook button. it’s just nice. like and nice. two words that make my world go round, yet songs don’t get sung about them nearly as much as love and bitches.

now c’mere and love me, BITCH!

A wig in a dumpster? oH No! OH YES.

howtorule — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 22:57:02 +0000

psst…guess what? here’s some ways to know if you rule yet. you probably do not rule if:

-you like to use the word POTLUCK.

-you like to talk about what you are bringing to the potluck.

-you’ve ever suggested a potluck, or for that matter, any idea that makes the people around you feel like you’re an aging church lady. (no offense to people who are in fact, starting to be wrinkly and are “ladies” who also happen to attend church)

-you don’t enjoy watching/listening to “Reba (Two Worlds Collide) feat. Kenan Thompson” by The Lonely Island, everyday.

-you have pizza and you don’t wanna share it with me.

Everyone else, YOU RULE! Unless..well, we’ll get to those other things next time. Bye!

Things I Wish I Would’ve Written In Your Yearbook

howtorule — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 17:22:34 +0000

Just so you know, you’re the same uncomfortable zipper mouth you always were.
The years haven’t been unkind to you really, more like seriously and exorbitantly EVIL.
Hey, isn’t there a statute of limitation on stealing thunder?
Forgive me father, for I have shat.
This is how you make me feel, in case you ever find yourself wondering: wool socks, tantrums, panic switch, yawn, teeth marks, acidwashed jeans, yard sale, happiness.